Random randomness about me and LJ and life, I guess

[ht_murray]

Man, it's the last day of my week long vacation from work, and I have accomplished nothing to speak of.

I feel... detached, like I'm not really here. You know that feeling, kinda like you're sitting in class and the teacher's asking a question, and you know every answer. You've got your hand waving in the air, but the teacher never calls on you, and when she does you realize you've forgotten the question, and you just slump down in your desk and go, "Uh, never mind." Kinda how I feel all the time lately.

I haven't slept for crap in days. It's starting to freak me out a little. I used to crash out about 9 a.m., get up about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then be good to go. Going to Chicago threw me all off whack. I started sleeping like 2 to 10 in the afternoon, which really sucked, cuz it meant I couldn't sleep at all before I went in to work at 6:30p.m. I figured I could get back on schedule on this week off, but instead, I've started sleeping like 2 to 5, and maybe 10 to 12. I just stare at the ceiling when I'm in bed, and feel like I'm about to doze off every second I'm not in bed. I can't concentrate on anything. Ugh, fail, fail, fail.




In other news, the horses have been stuck in the barn for the last week. I let them out today. Haha. They are dorks.

I'm really thinking I have to give them away. I just don't have the money to feed them, and there's no way I could sell them. They go as a package deal. They've been together their whole lives and their both older now, over 15. Brat's not rideable because he's got chronic laminitis, you can kinda see his feet are deformed from the bone separating from the lamina. He's not in pain at all, but he'll never be sound enough for riding(and he's never been broke to saddle because of it), but he's the biggest gentleman. So sweet and loving. And Teddy, the grey one, graduated level 2 and most of the tasks for Level 3 of Parelli Natural Horsemanship, but he's soooo sensitive I'm the only one who can do anything with him. The stuff I can do is amazing, but it would take another Parelli student to partner up with him. They're mostly pasture decoration to anyone who's not me. Expensive ones.

I just feel like, I don't have anything left, ya know?



It was just me and Dan for Thanksgiving. He insisted on fixing turkey, which is still in the refrigerator. Why two people need a 12 pound turkey, I do not know. But the pie was good. Mmmm, pie.

Dan had to deposit money in the bank before he could cash his paycheck last week, cuz we're overdrawn. Overdrawn! And this week all our bills are due. *shakes head* Christmas is cancelled. I ain't even digging out the tree. Though, Dan did take me out on Saturday to get the season 3 DvD for fifteen bucks from Best Buy. Yay for that. I knew there was a reason I was putting off buying that.

On the writing front. I finished mini_nanowrimo with a little over 34000 words. I pledged 30000 words. I guess I failed for not writing every single day, but I knew that wasn't going to happen anyway with the convention falling in the middle of the month. I have about 27000 words to write this month in order to finish autumnwrite. Somehow over the course of all these writing challenges, I've managed to write myself into 4 WIPs. And I am working on all of them at the same time. That's a new experience for me. But I kinda like it. If I'm stalled out on one plot, I work on another one until I see an out.

Which reminds me. I'm totally immersed in my Nightblindness verse. That's the J/M/J one. I get that a lot of people won't read it because it has Jensen/Misha in it, but it's a J2 story through and through, and man, the angst is eating me alive. I had no idea my little cracky practical joke fic was going to turn into that, and now I feel like it's soooo complicated. I don't feel comfortable glossing over anything, and I've never ever tackled non-con or substance abuse in fic. The other issue I have way too much experience with. *is sad* But I'm finding it's really killing me to be writing this all on my own. I don't have a beta for it, because I started writing it secretly and didn't want anyone to know it was me. Tracer and Karen give me feedback as I work out certain bits, but it's one of those scenarios where we all know what the story's about and where it's going, so we read it that way. I would love to have an outside perspective. thenyxie has been really wonderful with her feedback on that, but I don't know her, and I feel really weird asking her to read through stuff. And it seems like fewer and fewer people are reading as I get deeper into it. I was kinda hoping it would go the other way.

So, in case y'all missed it, I'm looking for volunteers. Anyone? Anyone? *crickets*


Oh, and in case y'all are wondering, I decided not to delete this journal. I kinda figured everyone was gonna defriend me anyway after 'douchegate' but I've actually had more people friend me since then. Hopefully not for the drama. *facepalm* And the only person who defriended me who wasn't directly connected to the person I had the tiff with, defriended me for not sticking to my guns and crawling under a rock. LOL. Plus, I don't have any money. I've seen a dozen posts from people who want permanent accounts and can't afford them, and I have one and will never afford another. Seems stupid and petty to delete it. I'm sure a doze people will now defend me for waffling and changing my mind. I feel like such a drama queen. Stop the roller coaster, I'm gonna puke.

So, in a nutshell, life sucks right now, but I'm not going anywhere, so y'all can wallow with me if ya like. I hear mud is really good for the complexion.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I friended mybigbreak and I had no idea that the Brad Rowe in that film is the Brad Rowe from Shelter one of only two gay-themed movies I own. I have to say, I didn't like Shelter as much as Latter Days, but it was a better film, script and production wise. I just didn't feel the chemistry between the leads like in Latter Days and didn't care for the too-perfect ending. But I find it ironic that that movie is sorta connected to Supernatural. In ten years, no one's gonna know who Kevin Bacon is, and people will sit around playing, Six Degrees of Supernatural. This is my prediction. Call me Nostradama Mama.

OOOOH, and I nominated a ton of stuff for the Salt and Burn awards. I just felt like there wasn't a very good representation of fandom up on there. I don't think they've updated the list yet, though. I also finally read the Jared Padalecki Untitled Project and enjoyed that muchly. I had a few issues with it, but mostly, it made me feel inadequate, LOL. I've done more reading the last few days than writing, and stuff like that makes me wonder why I bother. Seriously.

Comments

[ewanspotter.livejournal.com]

Aw, the horsies are so cute!

I'm saddened to hear you can't afford them anymore, but it's lovely you want to given them away TOGETHER. That's awesome on your part.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

They are cute aren't they? They've been together their whole lives. I think there's even blood relation somehow, though I never was much for studying pedigrees. The woman I got them from could probably tell you their bloodlines all the way back to single-celled bacteria. It's just so hard to find someone I'd trust to do right by them. I so should never have read Black Beauty. :s