Random randomness about me and LJ and life, I guess

[ht_murray]

Man, it's the last day of my week long vacation from work, and I have accomplished nothing to speak of.

I feel... detached, like I'm not really here. You know that feeling, kinda like you're sitting in class and the teacher's asking a question, and you know every answer. You've got your hand waving in the air, but the teacher never calls on you, and when she does you realize you've forgotten the question, and you just slump down in your desk and go, "Uh, never mind." Kinda how I feel all the time lately.

I haven't slept for crap in days. It's starting to freak me out a little. I used to crash out about 9 a.m., get up about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then be good to go. Going to Chicago threw me all off whack. I started sleeping like 2 to 10 in the afternoon, which really sucked, cuz it meant I couldn't sleep at all before I went in to work at 6:30p.m. I figured I could get back on schedule on this week off, but instead, I've started sleeping like 2 to 5, and maybe 10 to 12. I just stare at the ceiling when I'm in bed, and feel like I'm about to doze off every second I'm not in bed. I can't concentrate on anything. Ugh, fail, fail, fail.




In other news, the horses have been stuck in the barn for the last week. I let them out today. Haha. They are dorks.

I'm really thinking I have to give them away. I just don't have the money to feed them, and there's no way I could sell them. They go as a package deal. They've been together their whole lives and their both older now, over 15. Brat's not rideable because he's got chronic laminitis, you can kinda see his feet are deformed from the bone separating from the lamina. He's not in pain at all, but he'll never be sound enough for riding(and he's never been broke to saddle because of it), but he's the biggest gentleman. So sweet and loving. And Teddy, the grey one, graduated level 2 and most of the tasks for Level 3 of Parelli Natural Horsemanship, but he's soooo sensitive I'm the only one who can do anything with him. The stuff I can do is amazing, but it would take another Parelli student to partner up with him. They're mostly pasture decoration to anyone who's not me. Expensive ones.

I just feel like, I don't have anything left, ya know?



It was just me and Dan for Thanksgiving. He insisted on fixing turkey, which is still in the refrigerator. Why two people need a 12 pound turkey, I do not know. But the pie was good. Mmmm, pie.

Dan had to deposit money in the bank before he could cash his paycheck last week, cuz we're overdrawn. Overdrawn! And this week all our bills are due. *shakes head* Christmas is cancelled. I ain't even digging out the tree. Though, Dan did take me out on Saturday to get the season 3 DvD for fifteen bucks from Best Buy. Yay for that. I knew there was a reason I was putting off buying that.

On the writing front. I finished mini_nanowrimo with a little over 34000 words. I pledged 30000 words. I guess I failed for not writing every single day, but I knew that wasn't going to happen anyway with the convention falling in the middle of the month. I have about 27000 words to write this month in order to finish autumnwrite. Somehow over the course of all these writing challenges, I've managed to write myself into 4 WIPs. And I am working on all of them at the same time. That's a new experience for me. But I kinda like it. If I'm stalled out on one plot, I work on another one until I see an out.

Which reminds me. I'm totally immersed in my Nightblindness verse. That's the J/M/J one. I get that a lot of people won't read it because it has Jensen/Misha in it, but it's a J2 story through and through, and man, the angst is eating me alive. I had no idea my little cracky practical joke fic was going to turn into that, and now I feel like it's soooo complicated. I don't feel comfortable glossing over anything, and I've never ever tackled non-con or substance abuse in fic. The other issue I have way too much experience with. *is sad* But I'm finding it's really killing me to be writing this all on my own. I don't have a beta for it, because I started writing it secretly and didn't want anyone to know it was me. Tracer and Karen give me feedback as I work out certain bits, but it's one of those scenarios where we all know what the story's about and where it's going, so we read it that way. I would love to have an outside perspective. thenyxie has been really wonderful with her feedback on that, but I don't know her, and I feel really weird asking her to read through stuff. And it seems like fewer and fewer people are reading as I get deeper into it. I was kinda hoping it would go the other way.

So, in case y'all missed it, I'm looking for volunteers. Anyone? Anyone? *crickets*


Oh, and in case y'all are wondering, I decided not to delete this journal. I kinda figured everyone was gonna defriend me anyway after 'douchegate' but I've actually had more people friend me since then. Hopefully not for the drama. *facepalm* And the only person who defriended me who wasn't directly connected to the person I had the tiff with, defriended me for not sticking to my guns and crawling under a rock. LOL. Plus, I don't have any money. I've seen a dozen posts from people who want permanent accounts and can't afford them, and I have one and will never afford another. Seems stupid and petty to delete it. I'm sure a doze people will now defend me for waffling and changing my mind. I feel like such a drama queen. Stop the roller coaster, I'm gonna puke.

So, in a nutshell, life sucks right now, but I'm not going anywhere, so y'all can wallow with me if ya like. I hear mud is really good for the complexion.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I friended mybigbreak and I had no idea that the Brad Rowe in that film is the Brad Rowe from Shelter one of only two gay-themed movies I own. I have to say, I didn't like Shelter as much as Latter Days, but it was a better film, script and production wise. I just didn't feel the chemistry between the leads like in Latter Days and didn't care for the too-perfect ending. But I find it ironic that that movie is sorta connected to Supernatural. In ten years, no one's gonna know who Kevin Bacon is, and people will sit around playing, Six Degrees of Supernatural. This is my prediction. Call me Nostradama Mama.

OOOOH, and I nominated a ton of stuff for the Salt and Burn awards. I just felt like there wasn't a very good representation of fandom up on there. I don't think they've updated the list yet, though. I also finally read the Jared Padalecki Untitled Project and enjoyed that muchly. I had a few issues with it, but mostly, it made me feel inadequate, LOL. I've done more reading the last few days than writing, and stuff like that makes me wonder why I bother. Seriously.

Comments

[ysbail.livejournal.com]

Hi sweetie ... you know, at least you should, that you can send me anything you want someone to look at.

Oh God, I'm going to sound like a bitch, but it'll be nice to look at something written by someone who knows what they're doing ... shit. I really should check your flist before I carry on with this comment.


Back in a mo.


BACK - *relieved sigh*

I was about to say that I'm betaing something at the moment and it's really killing me. I'm almost rewriting the entire thing for grammar and trying to make sure it makes sense and I still hate putting my name to it. I go into teacher mode and feel like that's exactly what I'm doing when I read it.

Yes - I know - I sound like a bitch. I can't even leave comments on this fic when it's posted 'cause I don't want to lie and say how great it is.

Oh ignore me in my bitchy bitchiness. *please*

So happy to hear you're sticking around, especially as I think I'm going to pony up for a permanent account.

As for feeling detached - I can empathise ... only it's me standing there, in front of a class full of kids, and I've not only forgotten the answer, I can't remember the question!

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

LOL, you're safe here. I can always screen ya. *smoosh*

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

LOL, you're too sweet. I may definitely take you up on your offer and send you this next chapter, but I have another couple scenes to write yet. Ow! My head! LOLZ.

I know what you mean. It's like, how will people get better without beta readers, but how much can one beta reader really do? And let's face it, a lot of stuff that's horribly written still manages to find a niche readership, so yeah, I'll make the same comment a few times and then just highlight and hope they learn to think for themselves.

You are too sweet to be ignored. The question is, "Who loves you, bb?" And the answer is "I do! I do!"

MWAH!

[samidha.livejournal.com]

I wish I could help, but I don't know my ass from my elbow where RPS is concerned. And also, you're miles ahead of me in your ability to write so....

But know that the spirit is willing, okay? And if you ever get back into the non-RPS side of things I will be there with bells on if you want me. :)

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Ahh, you're so funny. Miles ahead *razzberry* That's actually my only running RPS fic beside the one I'm doing for unplugged32 who won me in the auction. I have three Gen ones, too, lol, but I'm not posting them on LJ until they're completed.

I appreciate the willing spirit more than you know. *smishes*

[heather03nmg.livejournal.com]

Don't be sad honey, you'll always have me. ;)
And I'm ignoring that restraining order you sent...that was just a joke, you love it when I stalk you.

I miss my spoon.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

I think I would feel better if I could just sleep. I used up all my sleep cards in Chicago, LOL.

And the restraining order, I'm sorry, hon, but my dogs were getting stressed out by the peeking in my windows all hours of the night. I did what I had to do, but um, if you grope Misha for me, I'll totally drop it.

Hee!

[twasadark.livejournal.com]

Your horses are just beautiful. I'm so sorry that you may have to get rid of them. That must be completely heartbreaking. &hearts

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

It is. It's funny, because I bought them some eight years ago or so with the intention of training them and then selling them. And after I trained them (my vet says they're bad examples of Arabians because they're complete gentlemene, lol) I just was so attache to them I couldn't trust them to go to anyone else. I still feel that way, but I can't just let 'em starve. Ugh.

They do bring me a great deal of joy, though. *watches video again*

[vanae.livejournal.com]

I’m not gonna offer to beta because I’m not a native speaker and I think I’d be rather inadequate for the job.

I’m sorry that you’re going through a rough time. That feeling of detachment and the sleeping problems was me last year… it sucked to say the least. It was like there wasn’t really anything to truly bother with. Weird feeling and really frustrating because what the fuck to do about it?

Glad to hear that you’re staying, though (I missed the “drama”, I think). And you must not cancel Christmas. It’s the very best time of the year… season of hearts and all that. Speaking of, I’m going to be doing the xmas card thing this year for the first in years and I’d love to be able to send you one? If you’re not comfortable leaving me your address, I’ll understand, but otherwise drop me a message, yeah?

Hope things brighten a little soon.

[vanae.livejournal.com]

Also, I adore the horses! The idea of having to part with them can't be easy...

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

You're too sweet. If you missed the drama, you're sooo very lucky. I'm still a little perturbed about it, why people would defend their right to use vulgar language over being decent to other people, I have no idea.

It's the strangest feeling, like I'm kinda floating in the middle of the ocean and I don't even care if there are sharks. Hmmmm.

I've actually been avoiding giving people my address for Christmas card exchanges just because I know I won't ever get around to sending out cards in return. I hate that I get cards and don't return them. Makes me feel like a stooge, but if you are feeling generous...

Tracy Horton
11401 Hickory Rd.
College Station, TX 77845

And I really don't care who sees that. LOL. Let 'em try to steal my identity. They won't like it, I'm sure. LOL.

And, yeah, those horses are like my sons...

[captcrashsc.livejournal.com]

I went through that feeling of detachment and no sleep my sophomore year of college and it sucked. *snuggles you tight* Thankfully I had some fantastic friends to pull me out of the funk.

I'd be more than happy to beta read for you. I mean, come on now, you put up with my batman!fic from hell. ;) I tend to spot grammar/ spelling issues more readily than content issues unless it's a a subject I actually know about to begin with. Does that make sense?

And hey, if you're going to insist on pushing my muse for mpreg, them I'm prodding yours for Nightblindness. Just so ya know.

*smooshes you close*

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Of course I'm prodding your for my mpreg fic. I love that story and I don't want you to lose momentum. *tickles you*

And I still have a scene or two to write of the next chapter of nightblindness. These chapters tend to be really long. It's already 4000 words, will probably be seven or eight at least. I better not ever hear anyone complaining about the amount of time between updates, LOL.

I think I'd feel better if I could sleep. Perhaps I shall try again, LOL.

MWAH!

[angels3.livejournal.com]

I don't mind Jensen/Misha and I don't mind angst as long as I know it ends well. I can't deal with unhappy endings they just make me sad. :(


When my horse passed from old age we gave my sisters away, we couldn't sell him either. He was lonely without someone there.

They are beautiful but they are very expensive.

I think everyone is going through life suckage right now. I hope things get better for you soon.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

LOL, yeah, I can't do the unhappy endings either. I never understood how some people insist on writing them, but then, they probably roll their eyes at my cliche, nicely bundled up with a bow on top endings. To each his own, I guess.

I could probably sell Teddy, but Brat would be so lonesome. They're totally a package deal, and I think everyone's having the same issues with hay prices and whatnot right now, so I don't see any good homes just materializing any time soon. They deserve good families.

Funny how life suckage seems to correspond with Holidays. It's bound to get better. *smoosh*

[tigremere.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your dilemma with the lovelies. They are gorgeous yard ornaments to be sure. I wish I could help but I don't have a yard big enough to keep them in. *wistfully replays video*

I tried to cut back on the Thanksgiving carnage this year (too much food that 1-either gets eaten by people who shouldn't eat so much or 2-rots in the fridge and gets thrown away) and pretty well succeeded.
I couldn't help but wonder as I was reading your comments about whether you had beets with your turkey. *hugs*

"Funny how life suckage seems to correspond with Holidays."

Yes I agree. Sometimes the holidays really suck. Especially when every body expects you to happy whether you are or not. The detachment and other feelings you are describing along with the inability to sleep sound like pretty classic signs of clinical depression to me. (Just in case you were wondering I got my psychology degree from the gum machine at Kmart.) If it doesn't get better soon you should consider seeking help with that.

Instead of cancelling Christmas though you might think about things that you like to do and do them instead. I am all for leaving the tree in the attic if the tree doesn't bring you joy. I prefer snuggling up in a blanket and watching "Its a wonderful life" or "a christmas carol". The black and white versions of both if you please. Not every body has happy memories associated with this time of year and I get really tired of the lack of understanding that this can be a tough time for some folks.

On another note I don't know if I would be any good as a beta for you but I am excellent as an editor. I would have a completely outside perspective since most of the code language you use I don't understand at all. :-) I am not sure what you need in a volunteer but I would be willing.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Haha, I'd pack up the ponies and send 'em to you in the mail if I could. I know you'd love them. They're amazing.

And I know too well about the depression thing. My mother and both grandmothers have all been hospitalized at least once for it. I try so hard to do my own thing and break out of that, you know, but in the end, I guess we're all products of our environment, no matter how much we rationalize, justify and intellectualize.

Haha, I'd take you up on your offer to edit, but if I recall right, you were the one person who answered my mystery poll awhile back with a "What does the slash mark mean?" when I asked if you read Dean/Sam. LOL. I'm not sure if you were kidding or not. I find it hard to believe, considering how prolific your daughter is, but um, yeah, I'm afraid it might be considered offensive, this story of mine. Though I adores it muchly.

I hope you have wonderful holidays.

MWAH!

[leighm.livejournal.com]

Looking at your horses in that clip makes me SO SAD that you might have to part with them. They are so beautiful. I'm so sorry about things and I wish I had a million dollars to give to you:(

I'm glad this journal stuck around.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

I'm sad, too, but I always kinda took pride in being able to do right by them. I don't know if I can anymore. *crosses fingers*

I had to stick around. It would be too hard to track y'all down and refriend ya, LOL. *smoosh*

[pixel-0.livejournal.com]

Bleh. I hear you about the sleep thing. My schedule's completely out of whack from having to work 1st and 3rd shifts during my workweek. If I have a night off, I usually end up waking up at 2AM anyway (like this morning!) and then either struggling to make it through the day or falling asleep around 10 again. :P

Your horses are gorgeous, and I'm so, so sorry to hear that you might have to be letting them go.

I'm happy, too, to see that you'll be staying with us here on LJ. I'm glad you stuck to your guns, and hey, you know I like your opinions. :)

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

NOt sleeping is pure torture. Even now, I'm supposed to be asleep. And I am not. LOL. I'm fine right now, it's when I get to work I'll be paying for it. Ahhh to never have to work again.

*wishes for a million dollars to share*

MWAH!

[chocca2.livejournal.com]

Aww, Tracy, your horses are beautiful, I’m sorry about all your woes *cuddles you*

I’m so happy you decided to stay, hee, that fills me with joy, you're one of my favourite peps on my flist, I enjoy having you around *nods* Plus we have that dorkchemistry thing going on, right? RIGHT? lol Hee, ♥ you!

Hope things turn out okay *smish*

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

*snuggles you back* I can't be one of your favorites. You were one of my faves first. Have fun on vacation for me.

[fufaraw]

Hi. I'm glad you decided to stay, too. Your horses are gorgeous and funny and full o' themselves. I fervently hope some good solution materializes for you, and for them. If I had room, I'd take them. If I had money, I'd buy feed for you to give them. I have neither, so I'm adding you and the horses onto my daily list, if that's okay.

I'd offer to beta, but the truth is where my head is right now I can't promise any sort of efficient turnaround. I suck. I've had to turn people down, and I feel like a jerk. Let me get my mojo back, and if you need a beta I'll step up. Right now I'm just trying to get through the holidays.

Here's hoping we're all in a better place come the new year.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

You're awesome, love. Thank you for the well wishes. I know how you feel about the betaing. I have a couple files open on my desktop now. I keep getting distracted. I feel bad they're taking me sooo long.

*smooshes*

[pinkoceantides.livejournal.com]

Aww hun if you need someone to talk to, I'm here even though you hardly know me. :)

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

That so sweet. *smishes you*

[sams1ra.livejournal.com]

What do you mean, accomplished nothing? You're WRITING, which is far more than I can say for me. Hell, I'm so far behind on my friends posts and fics I want to read and.... Can I haz vacation from work?
About the sleep - have you thought of taking sleeping pills, at least until you readjust? Could help...
Pie. You're such a Deangirl ;)
I'd help with the story, but like I said before, no time whatsoever. Aaaaand I'm pretty sure it's not Gen... *pouts*
And you bother cuz YOU'RE GOOD AT IT, DAMNIT! I WANT TO READ MORE SO GO UPDATE, LADY! Please?

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Haha, you're always so encouraging, lOL. Just cuz I'm writing doesn't mean it's good. Haha, There's a huuuuggggee difference.

And yeah, that fic is so far from Gen it ain't even funny.

[unplugged32.livejournal.com]

I'm so sad about your horses:( I have a whole bunch of kitties and a dog and I know that animals can be amazing friends so it's heartbreaking to have to part from them. As for Christmas being cancelled, well I totally understand cause spouse informed me that I have maxed out my cards (one is like 100€ over as well) and I haven't yet bought a thing for my kids!! But as one flister pointed out recently, we have a roof over our heads and food in the pantry so yeah, everything else will be ok:)

That fic? I didn't even know about it till you posted the journal link last week. I'm planning on saving/reading it over the weekend when I'll be netless:)

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Yeahh, my animals are my kids since I don't ever plan on having any real ones. I just want the best for 'em, you know, and I don't know how I can keep giving them that when I can't even pay my bills. Urgh. So feeling you on the credit card thing. No way I can make that payment this month. Gasp!

I hope you enjoy that fic.

And duuude, I'm sitting here downloading Christmas music and just like sad music and stuff, and I have an idea for your fic. How do you feel about AUs? The story itself won't be AU but a great deal of it might be. I'm thinking J2 in Rent, J2 in Cold Mountain, J2 in the matchstick Girl... ugh. Can't get much angstier than that. What do you think?

[ewanspotter.livejournal.com]

Aw, the horsies are so cute!

I'm saddened to hear you can't afford them anymore, but it's lovely you want to given them away TOGETHER. That's awesome on your part.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

They are cute aren't they? They've been together their whole lives. I think there's even blood relation somehow, though I never was much for studying pedigrees. The woman I got them from could probably tell you their bloodlines all the way back to single-celled bacteria. It's just so hard to find someone I'd trust to do right by them. I so should never have read Black Beauty. :s