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ht_murrayMan, it's the last day of my week long vacation from work, and I have accomplished nothing to speak of.
I feel... detached, like I'm not really here. You know that feeling, kinda like you're sitting in class and the teacher's asking a question, and you know every answer. You've got your hand waving in the air, but the teacher never calls on you, and when she does you realize you've forgotten the question, and you just slump down in your desk and go, "Uh, never mind." Kinda how I feel all the time lately.
I haven't slept for crap in days. It's starting to freak me out a little. I used to crash out about 9 a.m., get up about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then be good to go. Going to Chicago threw me all off whack. I started sleeping like 2 to 10 in the afternoon, which really sucked, cuz it meant I couldn't sleep at all before I went in to work at 6:30p.m. I figured I could get back on schedule on this week off, but instead, I've started sleeping like 2 to 5, and maybe 10 to 12. I just stare at the ceiling when I'm in bed, and feel like I'm about to doze off every second I'm not in bed. I can't concentrate on anything. Ugh, fail, fail, fail.
In other news, the horses have been stuck in the barn for the last week. I let them out today. Haha. They are dorks.
I'm really thinking I have to give them away. I just don't have the money to feed them, and there's no way I could sell them. They go as a package deal. They've been together their whole lives and their both older now, over 15. Brat's not rideable because he's got chronic laminitis, you can kinda see his feet are deformed from the bone separating from the lamina. He's not in pain at all, but he'll never be sound enough for riding(and he's never been broke to saddle because of it), but he's the biggest gentleman. So sweet and loving. And Teddy, the grey one, graduated level 2 and most of the tasks for Level 3 of Parelli Natural Horsemanship, but he's soooo sensitive I'm the only one who can do anything with him. The stuff I can do is amazing, but it would take another Parelli student to partner up with him. They're mostly pasture decoration to anyone who's not me. Expensive ones.
I just feel like, I don't have anything left, ya know?
It was just me and Dan for Thanksgiving. He insisted on fixing turkey, which is still in the refrigerator. Why two people need a 12 pound turkey, I do not know. But the pie was good. Mmmm, pie.
Dan had to deposit money in the bank before he could cash his paycheck last week, cuz we're overdrawn. Overdrawn! And this week all our bills are due. *shakes head* Christmas is cancelled. I ain't even digging out the tree. Though, Dan did take me out on Saturday to get the season 3 DvD for fifteen bucks from Best Buy. Yay for that. I knew there was a reason I was putting off buying that.
On the writing front. I finished![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
mini_nanowrimo with a little over 34000 words. I pledged 30000 words. I guess I failed for not writing every single day, but I knew that wasn't going to happen anyway with the convention falling in the middle of the month. I have about 27000 words to write this month in order to finish autumnwrite. Somehow over the course of all these writing challenges, I've managed to write myself into 4 WIPs. And I am working on all of them at the same time. That's a new experience for me. But I kinda like it. If I'm stalled out on one plot, I work on another one until I see an out.
Which reminds me. I'm totally immersed in my Nightblindness verse. That's the J/M/J one. I get that a lot of people won't read it because it has Jensen/Misha in it, but it's a J2 story through and through, and man, the angst is eating me alive. I had no idea my little cracky practical joke fic was going to turn into that, and now I feel like it's soooo complicated. I don't feel comfortable glossing over anything, and I've never ever tackled non-con or substance abuse in fic. The other issue I have way too much experience with. *is sad* But I'm finding it's really killing me to be writing this all on my own. I don't have a beta for it, because I started writing it secretly and didn't want anyone to know it was me. Tracer and Karen give me feedback as I work out certain bits, but it's one of those scenarios where we all know what the story's about and where it's going, so we read it that way. I would love to have an outside perspective.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thenyxie has been really wonderful with her feedback on that, but I don't know her, and I feel really weird asking her to read through stuff. And it seems like fewer and fewer people are reading as I get deeper into it. I was kinda hoping it would go the other way.
So, in case y'all missed it, I'm looking for volunteers. Anyone? Anyone? *crickets*
Oh, and in case y'all are wondering, I decided not to delete this journal. I kinda figured everyone was gonna defriend me anyway after 'douchegate' but I've actually had more people friend me since then. Hopefully not for the drama. *facepalm* And the only person who defriended me who wasn't directly connected to the person I had the tiff with, defriended me for not sticking to my guns and crawling under a rock. LOL. Plus, I don't have any money. I've seen a dozen posts from people who want permanent accounts and can't afford them, and I have one and will never afford another. Seems stupid and petty to delete it. I'm sure a doze people will now defend me for waffling and changing my mind. I feel like such a drama queen. Stop the roller coaster, I'm gonna puke.
So, in a nutshell, life sucks right now, but I'm not going anywhere, so y'all can wallow with me if ya like. I hear mud is really good for the complexion.
Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I friendedmybigbreak and I had no idea that the Brad Rowe in that film is the Brad Rowe from Shelter one of only two gay-themed movies I own. I have to say, I didn't like Shelter as much as Latter Days, but it was a better film, script and production wise. I just didn't feel the chemistry between the leads like in Latter Days and didn't care for the too-perfect ending. But I find it ironic that that movie is sorta connected to Supernatural. In ten years, no one's gonna know who Kevin Bacon is, and people will sit around playing, Six Degrees of Supernatural. This is my prediction. Call me Nostradama Mama.
OOOOH, and I nominated a ton of stuff for the Salt and Burn awards. I just felt like there wasn't a very good representation of fandom up on there. I don't think they've updated the list yet, though. I also finally read the Jared Padalecki Untitled Project and enjoyed that muchly. I had a few issues with it, but mostly, it made me feel inadequate, LOL. I've done more reading the last few days than writing, and stuff like that makes me wonder why I bother. Seriously.
I feel... detached, like I'm not really here. You know that feeling, kinda like you're sitting in class and the teacher's asking a question, and you know every answer. You've got your hand waving in the air, but the teacher never calls on you, and when she does you realize you've forgotten the question, and you just slump down in your desk and go, "Uh, never mind." Kinda how I feel all the time lately.
I haven't slept for crap in days. It's starting to freak me out a little. I used to crash out about 9 a.m., get up about 2 or 3 in the afternoon, and then be good to go. Going to Chicago threw me all off whack. I started sleeping like 2 to 10 in the afternoon, which really sucked, cuz it meant I couldn't sleep at all before I went in to work at 6:30p.m. I figured I could get back on schedule on this week off, but instead, I've started sleeping like 2 to 5, and maybe 10 to 12. I just stare at the ceiling when I'm in bed, and feel like I'm about to doze off every second I'm not in bed. I can't concentrate on anything. Ugh, fail, fail, fail.
In other news, the horses have been stuck in the barn for the last week. I let them out today. Haha. They are dorks.
I'm really thinking I have to give them away. I just don't have the money to feed them, and there's no way I could sell them. They go as a package deal. They've been together their whole lives and their both older now, over 15. Brat's not rideable because he's got chronic laminitis, you can kinda see his feet are deformed from the bone separating from the lamina. He's not in pain at all, but he'll never be sound enough for riding(and he's never been broke to saddle because of it), but he's the biggest gentleman. So sweet and loving. And Teddy, the grey one, graduated level 2 and most of the tasks for Level 3 of Parelli Natural Horsemanship, but he's soooo sensitive I'm the only one who can do anything with him. The stuff I can do is amazing, but it would take another Parelli student to partner up with him. They're mostly pasture decoration to anyone who's not me. Expensive ones.
I just feel like, I don't have anything left, ya know?
It was just me and Dan for Thanksgiving. He insisted on fixing turkey, which is still in the refrigerator. Why two people need a 12 pound turkey, I do not know. But the pie was good. Mmmm, pie.
Dan had to deposit money in the bank before he could cash his paycheck last week, cuz we're overdrawn. Overdrawn! And this week all our bills are due. *shakes head* Christmas is cancelled. I ain't even digging out the tree. Though, Dan did take me out on Saturday to get the season 3 DvD for fifteen bucks from Best Buy. Yay for that. I knew there was a reason I was putting off buying that.
On the writing front. I finished
mini_nanowrimo with a little over 34000 words. I pledged 30000 words. I guess I failed for not writing every single day, but I knew that wasn't going to happen anyway with the convention falling in the middle of the month. I have about 27000 words to write this month in order to finish autumnwrite. Somehow over the course of all these writing challenges, I've managed to write myself into 4 WIPs. And I am working on all of them at the same time. That's a new experience for me. But I kinda like it. If I'm stalled out on one plot, I work on another one until I see an out.Which reminds me. I'm totally immersed in my Nightblindness verse. That's the J/M/J one. I get that a lot of people won't read it because it has Jensen/Misha in it, but it's a J2 story through and through, and man, the angst is eating me alive. I had no idea my little cracky practical joke fic was going to turn into that, and now I feel like it's soooo complicated. I don't feel comfortable glossing over anything, and I've never ever tackled non-con or substance abuse in fic. The other issue I have way too much experience with. *is sad* But I'm finding it's really killing me to be writing this all on my own. I don't have a beta for it, because I started writing it secretly and didn't want anyone to know it was me. Tracer and Karen give me feedback as I work out certain bits, but it's one of those scenarios where we all know what the story's about and where it's going, so we read it that way. I would love to have an outside perspective.
thenyxie has been really wonderful with her feedback on that, but I don't know her, and I feel really weird asking her to read through stuff. And it seems like fewer and fewer people are reading as I get deeper into it. I was kinda hoping it would go the other way.So, in case y'all missed it, I'm looking for volunteers. Anyone? Anyone? *crickets*
Oh, and in case y'all are wondering, I decided not to delete this journal. I kinda figured everyone was gonna defriend me anyway after 'douchegate' but I've actually had more people friend me since then. Hopefully not for the drama. *facepalm* And the only person who defriended me who wasn't directly connected to the person I had the tiff with, defriended me for not sticking to my guns and crawling under a rock. LOL. Plus, I don't have any money. I've seen a dozen posts from people who want permanent accounts and can't afford them, and I have one and will never afford another. Seems stupid and petty to delete it. I'm sure a doze people will now defend me for waffling and changing my mind. I feel like such a drama queen. Stop the roller coaster, I'm gonna puke.
So, in a nutshell, life sucks right now, but I'm not going anywhere, so y'all can wallow with me if ya like. I hear mud is really good for the complexion.
Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, I friended
mybigbreak and I had no idea that the Brad Rowe in that film is the Brad Rowe from Shelter one of only two gay-themed movies I own. I have to say, I didn't like Shelter as much as Latter Days, but it was a better film, script and production wise. I just didn't feel the chemistry between the leads like in Latter Days and didn't care for the too-perfect ending. But I find it ironic that that movie is sorta connected to Supernatural. In ten years, no one's gonna know who Kevin Bacon is, and people will sit around playing, Six Degrees of Supernatural. This is my prediction. Call me Nostradama Mama.OOOOH, and I nominated a ton of stuff for the Salt and Burn awards. I just felt like there wasn't a very good representation of fandom up on there. I don't think they've updated the list yet, though. I also finally read the Jared Padalecki Untitled Project and enjoyed that muchly. I had a few issues with it, but mostly, it made me feel inadequate, LOL. I've done more reading the last few days than writing, and stuff like that makes me wonder why I bother. Seriously.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:06 pm (UTC)Oh God, I'm going to sound like a bitch, but it'll be nice to look at something written by someone who knows what they're doing ... shit. I really should check your flist before I carry on with this comment.
Back in a mo.
BACK - *relieved sigh*
I was about to say that I'm betaing something at the moment and it's really killing me. I'm almost rewriting the entire thing for grammar and trying to make sure it makes sense and I still hate putting my name to it. I go into teacher mode and feel like that's exactly what I'm doing when I read it.
Yes - I know - I sound like a bitch. I can't even leave comments on this fic when it's posted 'cause I don't want to lie and say how great it is.
Oh ignore me in my bitchy bitchiness. *please*
So happy to hear you're sticking around, especially as I think I'm going to pony up for a permanent account.
As for feeling detached - I can empathise ... only it's me standing there, in front of a class full of kids, and I've not only forgotten the answer, I can't remember the question!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:17 pm (UTC)I know what you mean. It's like, how will people get better without beta readers, but how much can one beta reader really do? And let's face it, a lot of stuff that's horribly written still manages to find a niche readership, so yeah, I'll make the same comment a few times and then just highlight and hope they learn to think for themselves.
You are too sweet to be ignored. The question is, "Who loves you, bb?" And the answer is "I do! I do!"
MWAH!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:21 pm (UTC)But know that the spirit is willing, okay? And if you ever get back into the non-RPS side of things I will be there with bells on if you want me. :)
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:30 pm (UTC)And I'm ignoring that restraining order you sent...that was just a joke, you love it when I stalk you.
I miss my spoon.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:35 pm (UTC)I appreciate the willing spirit more than you know. *smishes*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:37 pm (UTC)And the restraining order, I'm sorry, hon, but my dogs were getting stressed out by the peeking in my windows all hours of the night. I did what I had to do, but um, if you grope Misha for me, I'll totally drop it.
Hee!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:38 pm (UTC)*keeps lip zipped about the WIPs so as not to create pressure* Hee.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:43 pm (UTC)They do bring me a great deal of joy, though. *watches video again*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:43 pm (UTC)When I get him naked though, that's just for me.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:46 pm (UTC)I’m sorry that you’re going through a rough time. That feeling of detachment and the sleeping problems was me last year… it sucked to say the least. It was like there wasn’t really anything to truly bother with. Weird feeling and really frustrating because what the fuck to do about it?
Glad to hear that you’re staying, though (I missed the “drama”, I think). And you must not cancel Christmas. It’s the very best time of the year… season of hearts and all that. Speaking of, I’m going to be doing the xmas card thing this year for the first in years and I’d love to be able to send you one? If you’re not comfortable leaving me your address, I’ll understand, but otherwise drop me a message, yeah?
Hope things brighten a little soon.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:47 pm (UTC)MWAH!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:48 pm (UTC)Um, of course, you do what you gotta do. LOL.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:53 pm (UTC)It's the strangest feeling, like I'm kinda floating in the middle of the ocean and I don't even care if there are sharks. Hmmmm.
I've actually been avoiding giving people my address for Christmas card exchanges just because I know I won't ever get around to sending out cards in return. I hate that I get cards and don't return them. Makes me feel like a stooge, but if you are feeling generous...
Tracy Horton
11401 Hickory Rd.
College Station, TX 77845
And I really don't care who sees that. LOL. Let 'em try to steal my identity. They won't like it, I'm sure. LOL.
And, yeah, those horses are like my sons...
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:54 pm (UTC)HOw's that incubus fic coming?
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 10:57 pm (UTC)Alright, I shall keep all naked exploits mum.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 11:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 11:06 pm (UTC)I'd be more than happy to beta read for you. I mean, come on now, you put up with my batman!fic from hell. ;) I tend to spot grammar/ spelling issues more readily than content issues unless it's a a subject I actually know about to begin with. Does that make sense?
And hey, if you're going to insist on pushing my muse for mpreg, them I'm prodding yours for Nightblindness. Just so ya know.
*smooshes you close*
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 11:19 pm (UTC)And I still have a scene or two to write of the next chapter of nightblindness. These chapters tend to be really long. It's already 4000 words, will probably be seven or eight at least. I better not ever hear anyone complaining about the amount of time between updates, LOL.
I think I'd feel better if I could sleep. Perhaps I shall try again, LOL.
MWAH!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 11:21 pm (UTC)When my horse passed from old age we gave my sisters away, we couldn't sell him either. He was lonely without someone there.
They are beautiful but they are very expensive.
I think everyone is going through life suckage right now. I hope things get better for you soon.
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 11:24 pm (UTC)Thank you for asking!
no subject
Date: 2008-12-02 11:29 pm (UTC)I could probably sell Teddy, but Brat would be so lonesome. They're totally a package deal, and I think everyone's having the same issues with hay prices and whatnot right now, so I don't see any good homes just materializing any time soon. They deserve good families.
Funny how life suckage seems to correspond with Holidays. It's bound to get better. *smoosh*