Props, SN RPS, JA/JP, NC-17, 1/1, character death

[ht_murray]

Title: Props
Author : Must be me,though I have no idea why the hell I did it.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Warning: M/m sex, suicide, which means, yes, character death… I know, I can’t believe I did it either. Language.
Summary: The fastest way to get light in his head is with a bullet.
Disclaimer: I don't own Jensen, Jared, or Supernatural, and I hope to God they don't read this.
Author Note: This is dark people, and none of it is true, at least I really hope not. Mental illness isn’t about believing things that are true, it’s about not being able to see through what isn’t. Don’t flame me for what goes on in this dude’s head. Also, I’m a little ashamed of myself for writing this, so I haven’t really read through it. It’s most likely loaded with errors and tense slips. I’m just glad it’s out. Take it as you find it, I suppose.

Props

He watches the cylinder spin, flashes of light and dark like strobe lights at an all night rave. Not that he’s ever been to one, at least not as far as his Mama knows. And he doesn’t lie to his Mama, just doesn’t remember what the truth is anymore.

He waits just long enough for the cylinder to slow, long enough to see the one bullet amongst the empty slots, raises the pistol to his head, and pulls the trigger.

Then he does it again. Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? A-one, A-two-OO, A-three…

Spin, pull, click.

He doesn’t flinch, hasn’t flinched since A-ten or so. Just spin, pull, click, spin, pull click. Smooth. Rehearsed. Perfect.

And it’s a sad irony, really, that it’s just another scene to him, but fitting, because it’s a prop gun. He thinks it might be even be one of the Colts, but it’s just another prop to him, just another tool of the trade, a mean to an end…his.

Some actor dude in the eighties accidentally killed himself with a prop gun. He didn’t know that a spent blank cartridge still exits the gun at a high enough velocity to kill at close range. One minute the dude was laughing and carrying on, "Look at me, I’m playing Russian Roulette," and the next he was all but dead. Tragic accident, for him.

Jensen’s not so naïve. He knows full well what he’s doing. No laughing, no joking, just spin, pull, click, and after each click, there’s that nagging little lurch in his chest that he can’t identify as relief or disappointment. And it’s that nagging little bit of unknown that keeps him doing it again, and again, like maybe the next time there’ll be some epiphany, and he’ll know. Live or die? What’s the flavor of the day?

He’s never really thought of himself as suicidal, or even depressed for that matter. He’s just…tired.

This can’t even really be called a suicide attempt. If he was really serious, he’d stop spinning the chamber and just keep pulling the trigger. Hell, he’d put real bullets in the damned gun, load one in every chamber so it couldn’t be considered an accident, but then, he’s always been such a fuck up. Doesn’t surprise him he can’t even kill himself properly.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click. And nothing happens.

The lightning never comes. Never. Just this indifference, and ain’t that fucking ironic? This could be the end of his life…or not, either way really, and he doesn’t care. Even he knows that’s fucked up. He wouldn’t be here, now, if he didn’t care about something. And he does, cares so fucking much it’s suffocating, but about the wrong damned things apparently, and he doesn’t know how to change.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

He supposes, if the fucking blank ever does happen to fire, people will want an explanation. They’ll look for a note, analyze his last days and wonder what it was that pushed him over the edge. What was so different about today?

That’s the problem though. There’s nothing different about today. He feels this way everyday. He’s just damned good at hiding it. That is what they pay him for, after all.

Finding no note, they may just decide this was an accident. There are no accidents. The law of averages just catches up with everyone eventually.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

He doesn’t know when this started, this constant pressure that wraps around him and squeezes, this little voice that always says, not good enough, not good enough. He thinks maybe it was around the time Dark Angel got cancelled; his last major network show before he sold out to the sinking ship, probably the last chance he’d really had to get noticed by anyone that mattered.

Yeah, he’s pretty sure that somewhere around then this icicle of self-doubt and loathing had formed in the cold recesses of his mind and started a slow drip down into his chest. He knows it was there on Smallville. Fucking Tom Welling. What the fuck was Jen doing wrong, after all these years to end up playing second fiddle to fucking Tom Welling?

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

Not that he hates Tom. He loves the guy, considers him among his short list of friends, and it’s just further testament to his own fuckedupness that he can’t look at Tom and wonder, why him and not me? It’s even more fucked up that Tom knows he feels this way.

Why? Well, because there was a time when Jen actually believed all that bullshit that talking about your problems and your feelings could help. So yeah, he’d run off at the mouth more than a few times, and more than a few times Tom, and even Rosie, had been there to tell Jen how fucking awesome he is, that he deserves more recognition than he gets, and that he should be getting more. They just never could explain why he doesn’t. Couldn’t tell him why. Couldn’t make it better. So, the whole "talk about your problems" method had really just turned into "make your problems everyone else’s until they stop answering your calls and tell you to shut the fuck up."

He deserves that. He totally does. He also doesn’t talk about his problems anymore.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

The icicle is all the way down in his stomach now. Everything hurts. All the time. There’s a twinge in his chest every time he takes a breath, and unless he’s starving, the sight of food makes him nauseous. So he just breathes shallowly, doesn’t eat much, and spends every second of downtime trying to answer those questions that no one else ever could.

He’s tried to rationalize things out. He’s been down every logical path, followed every little road sign in his twisted mind that led to, "it’s not you, it’s them." He’s tried to stop beating himself up about things he can’t change. He can’t change the fact that his current network is geared for a younger audience, not the academy. He can’t change the fact that the younger audience is just fucking fickle, just don’t get him. He can’t change the fact that Devour got changed into something awful after he’d already committed to it, or that his role in Blonde is mostly remembered for the fact that he smoked and danced in a fucking kimono, not the fact that he let his fucking heart be broken on camera.

He’s listened to his manager who said this was a younger audience and that he should focus on them. Then that Teen Choice Awards fiasco happened, and it turned out, all that really matters is whether anyone’s watching what you’re doing.

Apparently no one is.

He’s blamed the network, blamed his manager, blamed his publicist, the audience, maybe even his mama, from time to time, but now he’s pretty sure he’s the problem. And there’s only one solution for that.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

He’s the one that took the part on Dark Angel instead of pursuing a movie deal, the one who took the part on Smallville, knowing the network was going downhill fast. He’s the one who takes movie roles he knows will never get him anywhere just so he can do something other than think and wonder, why, why, why.

Whatever’s fucked up about his life, he’s pretty sure it started with him. That whole, "listen to your heart," line that people feed you when you ask why? He’s tried that. He did it when he had the chance to be the lead and said, "I like Dean. Can I be Dean?"

Yeah, he totally fucked himself over that time. Way to go, Jen.

One stupid decision, and he’d landed himself in the worst fucking situation he could possibly imagine-sleeping with the enemy.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

The sleeping part is easy. Everything about loving Jared is easy. Jared is just, God, he’s a deep breath when his chest is constricted around decades old hurt and musty depression. He’s laughter between takes where there used only to be reading, and preparation, and work-striving to be better, better, best at everything. Jared’s a partnership in a business that’s full of sole proprietors. Jared’s the reason Jen thought he could be second fiddle and not care, and he’s the reason Jen hates himself for caring.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

He’d really wanted to be Dean, really felt something for that character, enough so that he’d thought he was finally over that nagging little piece of him that always needed to be the best and the brightest. He’d patted himself on the back after that decision, finally a step toward melting that icicle, a little bit more room in his chest.

That hasn’t changed much. He still loves being Dean, and he still thinks it was the right decision for him, at the time. Hell, getting to be with Jared is the best thing he’s ever hoped for, more than he ever thought he deserved.

He so doesn’t deserve Jared.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

He never used to go on the internet to read about himself or the shows he was on. He used to know that fangirls and couch critics did not control the universe. Now he’s not so sure. After all, Kripke reads those sites, and so does Jared. Hell, even Jen’s mama reads them.

That’s the problem. What if they’re right?

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

There’s a whole slew of reasons to doubt himself if he believes any of what he reads about himself, the show, or himself on the show.

First, there’s the freaking obsession fangirls have with Hurt!Dean, beat up and spilling his guts all over the place, hugging and crying on Sam’s shoulder, holding hands. So, basically, the hours and hours of work it takes for him to make Dean what he is on the screen, closed-off, and scared to death, with a thick layer of snark on the top, is just a waste of his time, because even his own fans are tired of it.

What the fuck does he bother acting for if his fan base wants him bloody and catatonic? Hell, anyone can do bloody and catatonic, and a dog can do emo. He’s had his face licked and his leg humped enough times to know there really is no talent required for that. But if that’s what the fans want, why the hell is he working so hard to give them what they don’t?

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

Not that Jared doesn’t have the same issues. Jen can clearly remember the first time Jay stumbled onto the Limp!Sam website. They’d both had a good laugh and wholeheartedly agreed that the only good Limp!Sam was lying next to a very sated Dean.

That’s the difference, though. Jay can afford to laugh. It’s his show. He’s the star, and Jen, well, he doesn’t really know what’s his anymore.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

The worst part of it all is that there are no Supernatural fans out there on those sites. There are the Dean/Jensen fans, and the Sam/Jared fans, and they’re constantly at each other’s throats. How can Jen not wonder if he’s getting downplayed or underutilized when his fans claim that he is? How can he not wonder if the character of Dean is too emotionally complex for the younger audience? They never seem to get what’s going on with him, after all. What does that make him? The guy who puts on an Academy Award worthy performance for people who think cheeseburgers and fries are a night out on the town, that’s what. So fucking out of his element.

He shouldn’t care what they think, but he does. He has to, because Kripke’s a total Sam girl, and Jen asked to be Dean.

Spin, pull, click. Spin, pull, click.

He’s so fucking screwed.

He knows he should be happy. The show’s doing well, given the hellacious timeslot it’s in. Yet, all he can think is, it’s a fucking hellacious timeslot. No one’s really watching. He’s more financially secure than he’s ever been, yet he worries every day about how he’s going to pay his bills when Supernatural gets the axe just like Dark Angel. He’s truly and completely in love for the first time in his life, fucking ever, and he’s made to be in constant competition with his lover. That just can’t work.

Everything that should be a blessing just seems to add to the curse, and he knows, he does, he knows that there must be something wrong with him, some reason he just can’t be happy. Not ever. He totally gets why that ass posted the Aspberger’s thing on IMDB, and he thinks maybe those chicks on LiveJournal were right when they suggested someone put that on there to explain why he’s such a douche.

Yeah, he totally deserves that.

Spin, pull, click. Spin…

"Hey, baby…"

The gun hits the table with a thunk.

"What’s up with the gun, Jen?"

Suddenly, Jensen doesn’t know. What is up with the gun? Whatever it is, it can’t be important, because nothing else is important when Jared’s here. Nothing.

"Oh," Jen dismisses, "forgot I had the damned thing in my jacket after that last set." He drums his fingers on the table beside the gun. "Remind to bring it back before we leave for the night."

Jared smiles, then, all teeth and dimples, and that little tiny bit of pink tongue that sucks his lower lip inside, and fuck, that makes Jen happy. He can’t help but smile himself as he leans back in his chair, legs sprawling apart.

Jared loves him. Jen knows he does, because the way he has to bend that tall body of his down to kiss him just then can’t be comfortable, not at all, but Jared does it anyway.

The second their lips meet, Jen’s chest opens, and he’s breathing again, sunshine and fresh cut grass, lavender, and jasmine. It makes him hungry, and he opens his mouth so wide his jaw actually clicks. He’s afraid it might have just locked open. He doesn’t let his tongue wander out, though Jared’s lips are parted as far as his own. Instead, he reaches his fingers up, threads them through Jay’s hair, and pulls him closer, begs Jared to come in and bring more of that fresh air with him.

Jared does, turning his head just so. His giant hands trail down Jensen’s back and under his arms just before he locks them around his lover and hauls him up out of the chair, walking him backward toward the couch before Jen even has time to find his feet.

Jared is the most gentle lover Jen’s ever had, and there are times when Jen really needs that, to be cherished and adored. This isn’t one of those times. Now he just needs, needs, needs, fucking right now, goddammit. And Jared loves him, he does, so he gives Jen what he needs.

They barely manage to get each other’s pants off, and they don’t bother with the shirts. There’s a brief moment when they both consider just undoing their belts and letting Jared take Jen from behind, but then they’d have to break the kiss, and Jen would have to stop breathing, and neither one wants that to happen. So, they toe off shoes with no less than frantic abandon, kicking shins in the process, and yank jeans down past ankles and onto the floor.

Jared’s got his fingers buried deep inside Jensen before he’s even finished tugging his feet out of his pants cuffs, and when Jen wraps his legs around Jared’s waist, clinging to Jay like a lifeline, they know neither one will last through the removal of shirts. Jared lets Jen hold himself up and uses both hands, large palms spreading Jen’s cheeks apart while his long, middle fingers stretch and scissor their way inside.

Jen gasps at the push-pull of Jared’s long digits, almost comes at the first brush of one callous over his prostate, and swallows Jared deeper inside mouth to keep from screaming. He doesn’t even hear the lube open, but he misses the one hand and finger that Jared uses to slick himself before thrusting in, one long smooth motion that never pauses to ease the burn.

It’s fast and it’s hard, and it’s god-so-fucking good. Jen works his hands under the three fucking Sam shirts wardrobe has layered over Jared’s chest and claws into Jay’s rippling shoulders, his own arms all sinew and muscle, wrapped so tightly that Jared would suffocate if he wasn’t a fucking Adonis himself. Jay’s got one hand on the back of Jen’s head, just cradling it, letting Jen know it’s okay to take what he needs. His other python arm is hooked under one of Jen’s bulging thighs, the hand anchored beneath Jen’s back, finger’s splayed between the bones of his rib cage.

There’s rocking, and thrusting, and heaving, and they never get far enough apart for air to cool the sweat pooling on Jensen’s stomach, yet they’re never close enough to fill that hole in his chest. So he clings tighter, opens wider, tries to suck out everything about Jay that makes him happy and lock it away somewhere for the next time he’s stuck with why, why, why.

Jared comes first, deep inside Jensen, and Jen thinks maybe the warmth seeping through him, Jared’s love painted inside the walls he’s worked so hard to build, can melt the icicle once and for all. But when he comes himself, sees Jared go slack and sated, slumped across his chest, he can’t help but think of the shtriga, how it sucked the life out of its victims.

He knows why it’s called a little death now.

When it’s over, he’s sleepy but no less empty and not at all sated. He can’t believe he just used Jared like that. Jared deserves so much better, better than him. Jared deserves someone who gives as much as he takes, and Jen, well, he’s just a gaping fucking hole in the world.

Jared only mumbles contentedly as Jen works his way out from beneath him and plants a kiss on Jay’s forehead, thumb brushing back the sweat-streaked hair from his brow. God, he loves that man. Loves him enough to give him what he deserves.

He’s already at the table before Jared opens his eyes. He doesn’t waste time with spinning now. He can see the bullet in the chamber, knows right where it needs to be and pushes it into place.

"Jen…!"

Pull…

There’s no epiphany, no lightning, only darkness, and somewhere in the fog, he thinks he hears Jared crying, but he doesn’t think about it for long.

The End

Comments

[ysbail.livejournal.com]

Ahem ... aren't you the one that told me off when I kinda killed Dean? Hmmm ...

This is a stunning piece of writing though, scary for the fact that it's so plausible that a person could feel that way, feel that they are worth so little and that they are their own worst enemy and that the world will be a better place without them in it .. or that really noone will notice if he's not in it because he doesn't matter ...

A lovely piece of writing, and I almost didn't read it when I saw the words 'death fic' - and it just had to be Jensen didn't it???? - but I'm glad I did ... you are talented ...

Thank God though that it is all make believe ...

Now I'm going to empty the kitchen of all of the chocolate I can find 'cause I need chearing up ....!!!

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

LOL, yeah, that was me. I think I'm supposed to apologize for doing it, but I really don't know how it happened. I think it's because I was working such long hours and my general pissiness had no outlet. LOL. Plus, well, I kinda feel that way myself most days, and I just saw it happening. Definitely don't think it's true, though.

Thanks for reading.

Tracy

[tigriswolf]

Dear god... I remembered that one of the warnings was character death, but then Jared was there, and then I was thinking, "No, she's not gonna kill him _now_..."

But you DID. *sniffles*

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

I think a sniffle from you is the highest compliment. LOL. Yeah, I went the whole, suicide as sacrifice route, even though my rational mind says it's never sacrifice, always selfish. But hell, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? Sorry for depressing ya.

Tracy

[tigriswolf]

You didn't depress me! Just made me glad that there's someone out there as dark and twisted as me. *giggles*

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Oh god, that's sad, LOL. Misery does love company, I suppose. *raspberry*

[ayumidah.livejournal.com]

Holy crap, heh. I hope Jensen never feels that way.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

God, I hope not, too, cuz I sure wouldn't want to be in a world without him in it. Sigh. Thanks for reading, though. Hope I didn't disturb ya too much. Haha. I think all my warnings were accurate, LOL.

Tracy

[ayumidah.livejournal.com]

it gave me some things to think about, like the Samgirl vs Deangirl debate and... Ah, I dunno, it's deep. I don't do deep too often. *sheepish grin* I skipped the love scene, cause that's not really my thing, but the rest I read and... hm, yeah. It was a little awkward because i kept getting interrupted by parents but still. It definitely packed a punch, lol

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Sorry, lol, I usually dont punch the readers. Glad you read even though it wasn't your thing. I used to do that, too. I even used to edit those parts out before I sent 'em to my friends, lol. Course, now we're all desensitized.

I'm glad it made you think, though, cuz I spend way too much time doing that.

haha.

[trueporn-addict.livejournal.com]

Wow.

If you can only use one word to describe it then "Wow" would be it.

:( I have to admit that I cried.

Was a little hard to read the first part becuase the adds were in the way but I copied it to word and read it from there :)

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Ah crap, the ads, eh? Hmm, I have that problem on some sites, too. Can't really say how to fix it other than getting a journal without ads, LOL. I may redo my whole layout sometime in the near future. I'm just glad you got to read it. I dunno if I'm sorry I made you cry. I know sometimes I go looking for a good cry, and if that's the case, then I'm glad I could help ya out.

And 'wow' works for me.

Thanks for reading.

Tracy

[jellicle.livejournal.com]

That was so powerful, strong and vivid imagery I really have trouble finidng words to comment here.
Everything makes sense to me, because I know the rounds that the mind does, and the way it spins to link every single pseudo-failure until you can see nothing but darkness and emptiness. That's what you painted, and you painted perfectly.
just, one of the most amazing fics I've seen, hands down.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for reading, darlin'. I was a little worried no one would read, and I wouldn't blame them if they didn't. I don't read death fics, LOL. Ironic, I know. Still, when my muse says write, I just do and shut up about it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, if it's really possible to enjoy something like this.

Thanks for reading,

Tracy

[jellicle.livejournal.com]

Had to add:

Mental illness isn’t about believing things that are true, it’s about not being able to see through what isn’t.
Yeah.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Yeaaahhh. I don't know if it's sad that we know that or not.

Tracy

[3rd-leg.livejournal.com]

this from the chica who curses me for sending her death!fic...lol, nah, its good, the muse worked in your favor. bitches that they are.

Very grounded and a good downward spiral into Jen's thought process (although if he ever thinks shit like that, I'm gonna have to go make sure he knows he's loved *ahem*)

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Haha, yeah, strange where our minds go sometimes. I dunno how this happened. I swear. Haha, but I'm glad it did, cuz dude, misery loves company. Hahahaha. So glad I don't have to work today or I'd prolly be killing Jared tomorrow, LOL.

Almost done babysitting, or do I have time for a nap?

[trueporn-addict.livejournal.com]

I forgot to ask if Jensen ever even thought about Jared properly for a minute. I'm only asking because I think that Jensen's suicide would cause Jared's suicide. Dontcha think?

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know, cuz I really didn't do any Jared POV, so I'm not really sure what Jared's mindframe is in this universe. Lots of people attempt suicide as a means of "lightening the burden" of their loved ones, the whole, "suicide is a sacrifice" mumbo jumbo. Only those who survive really ever come to realize that it's always selfish, so I don't think Jen's in a place to realize how hurt Jared would be after his death. He really believes he's helping him.

Does that mean Jared would follow right behind him? I don't know. LOL. You wanna write the sequel? I'm not really planning to continue this universe. I'm seriously hoping my death!fic muse is now sated.

Tracy

[trueporn-addict.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, I might just do that at some point this week. I'll link to yours, give you full credit for sparking the idea and tell people to read yours first.

It just kind of came to me that Jensen might not see it that way, by Jared could think that it was all his fault... You know how people can become after the death of a loved one.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Oh yeah, I know how it is. Heck, I feel that way about the death of fictional characters. *rolls eyes*.

Have at it, though. Always glad to share my muses.

Tracy

[trueporn-addict.livejournal.com]

You don't have to, but I was wondering if afterwards you'd beta for ne, seeing as it came from your fic.

I'll start some time tonight and as soon as it's done I'll contact you about it. I'm actually really looking forward to it now, I want to explore Jared's mind.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Sure, no prob. Just warning ya, though, that this is my only day off til Wednesday, then I'm only off Wednesday and Thursday and work all weekend, so it might take me a day or so to get through it. Just drop me a line, and I'll send you my email when you're ready.

Tracy

[trueporn-addict.livejournal.com]

That's fine. I won't have it done yet anyway, when it's finished I'll let you know and then I'll send it to you.

Thanks :)

[demonessjo.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to say that I think you captured that kind of thought process scarily well. Having gone through my own mental illness in the past, there were parts that were very hard to read because I couldn't help but think about how I once thought that way. And the ending was very plausible. When you get down to that point and can't get yourself out, suicide as a sacrifice seems like the only logical conclusion, when it's anything but.
Mental illness isn’t about believing things that are true, it’s about not being able to see through what isn’t. Describes it to a tee.
I don't think you should apologize for this, hon, it's a good character piece, and I bet it sounds like it was quite cathartic for you. :)
And yeah, now I'm off to find some cheesy ass schmoop because I need a pick me up after that! xD

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. I don't even want to say how much of this was me and how much was edited for television. I'm just glad it worked for you.

And please, when you find the schmoop, send it my way. LOL.

Tracy

[ejayye.livejournal.com]

Incredible. The tension you managed to convey through the pacing was very real and very powerful; my heart was in my mouth.

The most astonishing thing however was the realism. I have never seen Jensen's career analysed with such cynicism, but...my goodness, it worked very well winthin the bounds of this fic. And, scarily, such an interpretation from Jensen's perspective now appears to me quite plausible.

Woah. *bows down* Well done.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I never thought I'd write death fic, much less, real person death fic. I once said I know why all the greats were suicidal drunks. I hope Jensen isn't, seriously, but I do sometimes wonder if he feels as underappreciated as his fans seem to think he is. This story just snuck up on me at work yesterday. I'm just glad you weren't offended.

Thanks again.

Tracy

[sea-yeah.livejournal.com]

I don't read deathfics, I don't read deathfics, I don't read deathfics - so why on earth did I feel compelled to read this? To be honest - I don't know, but I don't regret it one bit. The fact that Jensen delib commit suicide right after the sex? - very painful - both for the readers and Jared. (I didn't say Jensen, because I thought that it was probably more of a relief for him at his moment of clarity.)

I loved this - in a sad way of course.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

I don't write death fics. I don't write death fics. Yeah, I don't know how this happened either. And yeah, I thought that once the last thing that keeps him grounded started to make him hate himself, that was time for it to just stop. I'm glad you read and liked.

Tracy

[zenamydog.livejournal.com]

God. Yeah, i think thats all i got. GOD!!!!!!!

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Um, yeahhhh. I'm sorry, I think. LOL. Thanks for reading darling.

Tracy

[9thof9.livejournal.com]

That was hard, gritty and pointed out some very unsettling things about how fangirls must appear to other people.

The mind set you wove for Jensen was amazing. As a person that was almost to that point themselves once, I gotta say you wrote that very very well.

Thanks for sharing.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. When I wrote this, I hated myself a little, cuz I made myself beleive it a little, but I have to say, it's even more disturbing for me that so many people who've commented seem to have been at this same point in their lives. Here I thought it was just me.

I'm glad it worked for ya, and for being totally coo, another chapter of From Yesterday will be posted tomorrow. Woohoo. Just got the chapter today and just gotta add me magic touch. Hope to see ya there.

Tracy

[soydolcelatte.livejournal.com]

I try not to read death fics but when certain people *coughlikeyou* write them I already know whatever it is will be amazing so I have to. :) Don't be sorry for it either, you gotta write what comes to you and if you don't it could make you insane.

I saw in one of your comments that you don't know if you'd want to be in a world that didn't have Jensen and yeah....ditto. I can't speak for the world, but I know MY world is a better place because of those two.

To think that either of them could feel this kind of pain just....it's too much and very scary.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much darlin'. I gotta say it was easier to write than it should have been considering I so cannot read these kind of fics. I'm actually pretty happy with the number of people who gave it a chance. Thanks so much for reading, and for your reward, we also updated From Yesterday today, so...squee.

Tracy

[soydolcelatte.livejournal.com]

Well, like I said, when certain people write them, I'm compelled to read it and I imagine that's true for lots of folks. If its a writer you know and trust you know that they have something to say and aren't just writing death!fic for the shock and awe factor.

YAY!!!!! Going to read as soon as I can!!!

[mss-celestal.livejournal.com]

Oh god, it was just so sad. Poor Jensen. I thought that when Jared showed up and the smexin' happened you weren't going to kill him, but guess I was wrong...lol.

Good job, you really captured the feeling of hopelessness.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

I know. I felt a little evil putting the smexin' in, but I thought I needed to show that the last thing keeping him here wasn't enough anymore, that he'd just gone past the point of no return. Well, smexin is good in any fic, right?

Thanks so much for reading.

Tracy

[cordeaux.livejournal.com]

Holy god. I'm not usually one for the suicidal angsty death-fics (especially when they're RPS!) but for some reason this sucked me right in and I am nothing more than a giant puddle of hurt at the moment. But in the best way possible, no doubt.
Utterly amazing. You've put all those horrible, tragic, and daunting emotions into this perfect array of words and wow. I'm really blown away. Definitely adding this to my mems.

[tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm not sure it's right to accept praise for killing someone, and I can't take credit for the words, they just come out however they will. I'm really glad you liked it, though.

Tracy

[not-refined.livejournal.com]

I can't believe you wrote this! In a good way, I mean! I read this FOREVER ago and I just loved it, had it saved on my links list. Then my computer crashed or something and I lost the link and I was all: Nooooo! BUT. I found it again. Don't ask me how 'cause I've been sort of dazed for a while now lol, but I found it and GLEE. Now I am happy beyond words.
In a sad way, of course. Because... oh Jensen. The depth of despair in this piece is just crushing. But I love it. *sigh* I love death fics more than is healthy.
I have no idea why I didn't comment on this before. I'm just a bad person! But hopefully this makes up for it. I love it. It gives me hope for my own writing, weirdly enough, it's just so inspiring - you write bravely and beautifully. I just.... Adore it! And now that I have officially abused the exclamation point, I'll leave you be. *hugs*

i laughed a bit...

[mongognom.livejournal.com]

when i started to think about you as a fangirl, beating up on jensen while having jensen thinking how annoying it is that fangirls beat up on dean.

the rest of the time i wanted to hug things, though,m so good story.