Random stuffs...
Dec. 19th, 2008 08:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ht_murrayMan, yesterday I was bumming, wasn't I? Wanna know how bad it was? It was so bad that watching this video made me cry like a baby.
Warning: People falling off horses a LOT.
Huh. I honestly don't now what's up with me, but anyway, moving on...
Last night was my last night at work until January 5. I don't know whether I'm happy about that or not. I mean, I just realized it's the 19th today, less than a week until Christmas, and I don't care. Maybe after I sleep for a week. I also realized it's the 19th today and the Christmas fic I'm writing is nowhere near finished. If I write on it nonstop between now and Christmas, I might have a decent first draft. *headdesk* I wouldn't worry about it so much, because I have over the 5000 words I promised, but it's a Christmas prompt, and I really want to finish it for Christmas. *pulls out hair*
For people still keeping track, I'm over 140000 words in the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
autumnwrite challenge. I won't have a problem hitting 15000 by the end of the year. I'm up in the air about attempting springwrite, even though I definitely like the motivation to write every single day. It just has been making it harder and harder for me to keep with my workout schedule and SLEEP. I may do it informally and pledge like 800 words a day instead of the 1200 I've been doing. *ponders*
Oh, and you know what's really interesting? I used to write on paper. Not stories, not poems, not plans, just STUFF that would pop into my head while I was working away at my job or out sweeping in the barn or whatever. I'd write on little scraps of paper, sometimes on paper towels or toilet paper if that was all I could get my hands on, and I'd shove them in this folder I kept my knives and wire cutters in. When I had a bunch, I'd sit down and write them in a notebook.
I dug out one of these old notebooks this morning. Because you know what I remember most about those days? I WAS HAPPY. I mean, ecstatically, wonderfully, profoundly, HAPPY. I can remember writing my grandmother a letter and saying, Grandma, I don't even have words for how happy I am. Shit, I just made myself cry. Because I can't remember how that felt. I just know I felt it.
Anyway, I went looking in this notebook, and I remember thinking this stuff was really profound when I wrote it, and now... Now I find myself rolling my eyes at it, thinking what a foolish, naive, truly stupid girl I was. Not only did I think this stuff up, but I actually believed it. All of it.
And what's sad is, I see people post this kind of stuff all the time, and I roll my eyes and shake my head and click by quickly before I click on "Leave a Comment" and tell them how stupid they are. Stupid for being happy? For being sure? For being confident? When did I get so bitter? Hmm, let's see, the last dated entry in this notebook? February, 2006. Right after I found online fandom and right before I won my first fanfic award.
Part of me says, "A-HA! There's your evidence! You know you're addicted to the internet and have let it take over your life. Just look!" But then, you know, if that's true, then just unplugging would fix things, wouldn't it? And that ain't gonna happen.
And then there's the rational part of me that says, "Life is cyclic. It's just coincidence that I started a downward cycle at the same time I found fandom and fanfiction and stopped writing just for myself." Just a coincidence. That's what my rational mind says.
You know what my journal says?
****
January 17, 2005:
Ration and logic are the tools by which we unknowingly allow our minds to cloud our hearts.
Enlightenment is simply giving yourself permission to believe what you already know is true.
It also says:
January 18, 2005:
Science does not preclude or negate faith. It merely offers the occasional opportunity to glimpse, in no uncertain terms, that which we have believed to be true all along.
And:
A prayer is a rational mind's way of communicating with an irrational heart.
January 26, 2005:
It is a sad irony that the sheep depend on the shepherd for protection when it was the shepherd who made them helpless to begin with.
January 30, 2005:
Knowledge without experience is not learning, and experience without learning is not wisdom. Knowing that you do not know the answer to a question when life presents it to you is 90% of learning the answer. The wisest man knows only one thing for certain, and that is that he has more to learn.
January 31, 2005:
The biggest contributor to destiny is where you are and what you are doing right now.
February 4, 2005:
So much of our lives outside of Heaven are wrapped up in the mundane and the trivial. Yet, a great part of who we are as people is determined by what we do when what we do doesn't really seem to matter.
True peace is not calm. It is not mundane. It is the resolution of true conflict, not the avoidance or absence of strife.
Choosing to know the joy in everything you do, despite conflict... that is Heaven, and you don't spend a lifetime preparing to go there. You live there every day.
****
You know, there was a time when all of that made perfect sense.
It doesn't anymore.
I guess I have a lot more to learn.
Warning: People falling off horses a LOT.
Huh. I honestly don't now what's up with me, but anyway, moving on...
Last night was my last night at work until January 5. I don't know whether I'm happy about that or not. I mean, I just realized it's the 19th today, less than a week until Christmas, and I don't care. Maybe after I sleep for a week. I also realized it's the 19th today and the Christmas fic I'm writing is nowhere near finished. If I write on it nonstop between now and Christmas, I might have a decent first draft. *headdesk* I wouldn't worry about it so much, because I have over the 5000 words I promised, but it's a Christmas prompt, and I really want to finish it for Christmas. *pulls out hair*
For people still keeping track, I'm over 140000 words in the
autumnwrite challenge. I won't have a problem hitting 15000 by the end of the year. I'm up in the air about attempting springwrite, even though I definitely like the motivation to write every single day. It just has been making it harder and harder for me to keep with my workout schedule and SLEEP. I may do it informally and pledge like 800 words a day instead of the 1200 I've been doing. *ponders*Oh, and you know what's really interesting? I used to write on paper. Not stories, not poems, not plans, just STUFF that would pop into my head while I was working away at my job or out sweeping in the barn or whatever. I'd write on little scraps of paper, sometimes on paper towels or toilet paper if that was all I could get my hands on, and I'd shove them in this folder I kept my knives and wire cutters in. When I had a bunch, I'd sit down and write them in a notebook.
I dug out one of these old notebooks this morning. Because you know what I remember most about those days? I WAS HAPPY. I mean, ecstatically, wonderfully, profoundly, HAPPY. I can remember writing my grandmother a letter and saying, Grandma, I don't even have words for how happy I am. Shit, I just made myself cry. Because I can't remember how that felt. I just know I felt it.
Anyway, I went looking in this notebook, and I remember thinking this stuff was really profound when I wrote it, and now... Now I find myself rolling my eyes at it, thinking what a foolish, naive, truly stupid girl I was. Not only did I think this stuff up, but I actually believed it. All of it.
And what's sad is, I see people post this kind of stuff all the time, and I roll my eyes and shake my head and click by quickly before I click on "Leave a Comment" and tell them how stupid they are. Stupid for being happy? For being sure? For being confident? When did I get so bitter? Hmm, let's see, the last dated entry in this notebook? February, 2006. Right after I found online fandom and right before I won my first fanfic award.
Part of me says, "A-HA! There's your evidence! You know you're addicted to the internet and have let it take over your life. Just look!" But then, you know, if that's true, then just unplugging would fix things, wouldn't it? And that ain't gonna happen.
And then there's the rational part of me that says, "Life is cyclic. It's just coincidence that I started a downward cycle at the same time I found fandom and fanfiction and stopped writing just for myself." Just a coincidence. That's what my rational mind says.
You know what my journal says?
****
January 17, 2005:
Ration and logic are the tools by which we unknowingly allow our minds to cloud our hearts.
Enlightenment is simply giving yourself permission to believe what you already know is true.
It also says:
January 18, 2005:
Science does not preclude or negate faith. It merely offers the occasional opportunity to glimpse, in no uncertain terms, that which we have believed to be true all along.
And:
A prayer is a rational mind's way of communicating with an irrational heart.
January 26, 2005:
It is a sad irony that the sheep depend on the shepherd for protection when it was the shepherd who made them helpless to begin with.
January 30, 2005:
Knowledge without experience is not learning, and experience without learning is not wisdom. Knowing that you do not know the answer to a question when life presents it to you is 90% of learning the answer. The wisest man knows only one thing for certain, and that is that he has more to learn.
January 31, 2005:
The biggest contributor to destiny is where you are and what you are doing right now.
February 4, 2005:
So much of our lives outside of Heaven are wrapped up in the mundane and the trivial. Yet, a great part of who we are as people is determined by what we do when what we do doesn't really seem to matter.
True peace is not calm. It is not mundane. It is the resolution of true conflict, not the avoidance or absence of strife.
Choosing to know the joy in everything you do, despite conflict... that is Heaven, and you don't spend a lifetime preparing to go there. You live there every day.
****
You know, there was a time when all of that made perfect sense.
It doesn't anymore.
I guess I have a lot more to learn.
