ht_murray: little girl, cheeks, blue rose (Default)
[personal profile] ht_murray
And boy am I in a state. :/

I feel like I owe some of you an explanation, since I posted fic with comments disabled and didn't include a poll or anything.



A couple of you really went above and beyond the call of duty by PMing me feedback, and some of you have asked in other comment threads whether they were meant to leave feedback, to which I have to say, thank you, but that was not my intention.

I'm in that place again. If you've been around this journal more than a year or so, you've seen that place. It's the place where I know everything I write is utter shit, no one wants to read what I'm inspired to write, people started reading and commenting and then disappeared (seriously, do people know how that screws with a writer's head when they start commenting on the early parts of a story and then just stop?), so they obviously hated everything I did after X point, everything I read has twenty pages of comments on it, which just convinces me I will never be anything but a shit writer, and I'm convinced the only way to enjoy the game is to stop keeping score. This is not a new thing for me. In college, I drove my roommate nuts, because she and I loved to play Ping Pong, but I refused to keep score, because once I started caring about points, then I just started hating the game.

Um, yeah, but Tracy you say, this is not a competition.

I'm sorry, but it is. For me, everything is a competition. I don't know why. I mean, I don't buy into that whole, "I had a crappy childhood in which everyone hated me, so I had to be better than them at everything in order to feel like I mattered," completely B.S. childhood trauma crap. Because, come on, at some point you have to let it fucking go and take responsibility for your own damned actions. Which I do. Which is why I KNOW there's no reason for me to post fic expecting to win any internet prizes, and why I know that writing is supposed to be personal, and the response doesn't matter. Which is why I appreciate each and every comment, even when they're critical or just 'Yay!' (I've been reading online reviews for Go Fish, and apparently people loved it but got confused by the way I described physical proximity, like where all the arms and legs went. Thank you! That helps me a lot! I wish someone had told me that sooner. :/)

But rational thought and emotional response are two separate things. You know me by now well enough to know that or you haven't been paying attention. If I'm not competing with every other writer on LJ, then I'm at the very least competing with myself, and when the 90 thousand word epic I spent a whole year writing doesn't get half the response that the couple thousand word episode coda I jotted down on scratch paper at work, I feel like I have failed miserably and should just stop before I get any worse.

But never fear. The worst it ever was, this "I hate my writing and the process," whatever head disease it is, I wrote Something Gold in response, and that's probably the best thing I ever wrote. In fact, judging from everything that came after. It's the only good thing I've written in 2 years. Hence, the saaaaaaaaadddddd.

But anyway, I'm posting without comments enabled until I don't care that there's nothing in my inbox to show for the hours I spent writing something. Not because I want people to bend over backwards to prove they do like what I wrote. You people are just too good and sweet and kind, and I will never be any of those things in return. Why do you do that? *is humble*

So, Imma keep posting fic with comments disabled. If that strikes anyone as pretentious, then you're always free to defriend, though I have to admit, I am afraid to go to my own profile page anymore (which is the only way I can get to half the places on LJ that I want to go now that the Search function is screwed to Hell) because I'm afraid I'll see everyone has left. LOL. It's win-win for y'all. Free fic and no pesky feedback to write. Sounds like a perfect world to me. Let's hope this cures the affliction before I go on one of my insane deleting sprees, because I've been eyeing quite a lot of fic lately with a severe case of eyeroll-itis.

So there, done with my morning cry. You all know what's up. And now I can go out in the freezing cold and run until I don't care anymore. Wheeeeeee!

On an upnote, some bright, intelligent Cambria-Friesland High School Alum went and created a Cambria-Friesland High School Alumni group on Facebook, and I've hooked up with more people from 'home' in the last two weeks than I probably did in all the years I actually lived there. (Scarily, I'd forgotten how many of them I am actually related to. They mention a common aunt or uncle, and I suddenly go, "Meep! We're cousins. I forgot about that. LOL.") Ah, small Wisconsin towns. You gotta love 'em.

ETA: Is Clif really too naive to realize that 90+%(totally made up number) of his 3000 followers probably came from LJ? Methinks he doesn't understand the internetz as well as he thinks he does.
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