ht_murray: little girl, cheeks, blue rose (Default)
[personal profile] ht_murray
And boy am I in a state. :/

I feel like I owe some of you an explanation, since I posted fic with comments disabled and didn't include a poll or anything.



A couple of you really went above and beyond the call of duty by PMing me feedback, and some of you have asked in other comment threads whether they were meant to leave feedback, to which I have to say, thank you, but that was not my intention.

I'm in that place again. If you've been around this journal more than a year or so, you've seen that place. It's the place where I know everything I write is utter shit, no one wants to read what I'm inspired to write, people started reading and commenting and then disappeared (seriously, do people know how that screws with a writer's head when they start commenting on the early parts of a story and then just stop?), so they obviously hated everything I did after X point, everything I read has twenty pages of comments on it, which just convinces me I will never be anything but a shit writer, and I'm convinced the only way to enjoy the game is to stop keeping score. This is not a new thing for me. In college, I drove my roommate nuts, because she and I loved to play Ping Pong, but I refused to keep score, because once I started caring about points, then I just started hating the game.

Um, yeah, but Tracy you say, this is not a competition.

I'm sorry, but it is. For me, everything is a competition. I don't know why. I mean, I don't buy into that whole, "I had a crappy childhood in which everyone hated me, so I had to be better than them at everything in order to feel like I mattered," completely B.S. childhood trauma crap. Because, come on, at some point you have to let it fucking go and take responsibility for your own damned actions. Which I do. Which is why I KNOW there's no reason for me to post fic expecting to win any internet prizes, and why I know that writing is supposed to be personal, and the response doesn't matter. Which is why I appreciate each and every comment, even when they're critical or just 'Yay!' (I've been reading online reviews for Go Fish, and apparently people loved it but got confused by the way I described physical proximity, like where all the arms and legs went. Thank you! That helps me a lot! I wish someone had told me that sooner. :/)

But rational thought and emotional response are two separate things. You know me by now well enough to know that or you haven't been paying attention. If I'm not competing with every other writer on LJ, then I'm at the very least competing with myself, and when the 90 thousand word epic I spent a whole year writing doesn't get half the response that the couple thousand word episode coda I jotted down on scratch paper at work, I feel like I have failed miserably and should just stop before I get any worse.

But never fear. The worst it ever was, this "I hate my writing and the process," whatever head disease it is, I wrote Something Gold in response, and that's probably the best thing I ever wrote. In fact, judging from everything that came after. It's the only good thing I've written in 2 years. Hence, the saaaaaaaaadddddd.

But anyway, I'm posting without comments enabled until I don't care that there's nothing in my inbox to show for the hours I spent writing something. Not because I want people to bend over backwards to prove they do like what I wrote. You people are just too good and sweet and kind, and I will never be any of those things in return. Why do you do that? *is humble*

So, Imma keep posting fic with comments disabled. If that strikes anyone as pretentious, then you're always free to defriend, though I have to admit, I am afraid to go to my own profile page anymore (which is the only way I can get to half the places on LJ that I want to go now that the Search function is screwed to Hell) because I'm afraid I'll see everyone has left. LOL. It's win-win for y'all. Free fic and no pesky feedback to write. Sounds like a perfect world to me. Let's hope this cures the affliction before I go on one of my insane deleting sprees, because I've been eyeing quite a lot of fic lately with a severe case of eyeroll-itis.

So there, done with my morning cry. You all know what's up. And now I can go out in the freezing cold and run until I don't care anymore. Wheeeeeee!

On an upnote, some bright, intelligent Cambria-Friesland High School Alum went and created a Cambria-Friesland High School Alumni group on Facebook, and I've hooked up with more people from 'home' in the last two weeks than I probably did in all the years I actually lived there. (Scarily, I'd forgotten how many of them I am actually related to. They mention a common aunt or uncle, and I suddenly go, "Meep! We're cousins. I forgot about that. LOL.") Ah, small Wisconsin towns. You gotta love 'em.

ETA: Is Clif really too naive to realize that 90+%(totally made up number) of his 3000 followers probably came from LJ? Methinks he doesn't understand the internetz as well as he thinks he does.

Date: 2010-01-30 04:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] unplugged32.livejournal.com
FREE FIC!!! Love that;)

{{smishes you}}

Date: 2010-01-30 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Exactly! Who wouldn't love that? :D

*glomps*

Date: 2010-01-30 04:36 pm (UTC)
ext_63196: (Doodle Sad)
From: [identity profile] beelikej.livejournal.com
This is your journal and I don't expect any additional explanation on any posts you are willing to share. I was a bit sad that I couldn't leave feedback, but figured you had your reasons to hunt so I wasn't going to hunt you down and demand you listen to my opinion *g*
I figured if you wanted to know, you'd ask.
I'm still a masochist when it comes to -waiting for- comments, especially when I post something I'm excited about, whether it's art or personal stuff ;)

I'm still here. That should tell you something. (Yes, that should tell you I totally love free fic. Wahey!)

Oh also: just bought the DVD for Overboard (can you believe it was in the bargain bin? Tsk)

Now you go and run, run like the wind:)

Date: 2010-01-30 04:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
LOL, speaking of wind, it's really friggin' cold out there today. BRRRRRRR!

Also, *glomps* You are shiny. :P

ETA: I saw that some channel is having a Goldie Hawn marathon this weekend, and can you believe, Overboard is not one of the movies they're showing? But they ARE showing Bird on a Wire, which c'mon, was not nearly as good, except for the part when Kurt got shot in the ass. LOL.
Edited Date: 2010-01-30 04:44 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-30 04:46 pm (UTC)
ext_63196: (Ernie&Bert IDEK)
From: [identity profile] beelikej.livejournal.com
It's freezing here as well; when I cycled to town my bike chain fell of and I had to walk through the slippery snow on the sidewalk. Brrrrr indeed.

It also seems I had a little brain-freeze typing up that comment. Oh well, you know what I meant :-p

ETA: I know you know that was Mel -WTF- Gibson. (And now I really enjoy the memory of him getting shot in the ass)
Edited Date: 2010-01-30 04:48 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-30 04:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
OH, geez, I totally had written Mel, and then thought, 'Hmmm, wasn't this another movie that she and Kurt did together?' And then I changed it. Obviously, I should've watched it more than once. LOL.

And bike chain in the snow does not sound like my kind of hands-on experience. :/ *sends you coco*

Date: 2010-01-30 05:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tabithella.livejournal.com
Hey, I'm all for free fic, but if you feel your happy to start receiving comments again just ask.

Actually I was just thinking about your fic Overboard, I'm just in the mood to read that again. (one of my favs)

Tab x

Date: 2010-01-30 11:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Hehe, free fic it is! Actually, it's quite liberating to post that way. I don't feel nearly as much pressure to hurry up and update. But don't worry, I am writing it and shall update. LOL.

Date: 2010-01-30 05:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ldyghstwhisprer.livejournal.com
Honestly though, it is your journal and you don't owe anyone an explanation. You have to treat yourself like number 1 and worry about yourself first and you f-list second or third. You do what you need to do for yourself!

*hug*

I don't know if that made any sense whatsoever...

Date: 2010-01-30 11:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Makes perfect sense. *glompses* And I know I don't owe anyone, but I had enough people ask about it, and it was easier to make one post than to answer them all separately. I'm kinda lazy that way.

Date: 2010-01-30 06:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jane-eyre.livejournal.com
Unfortunately, I think what you're feeling is common with fanfiction writers and quite possibly with writers in general, since there have been several authors that stopped publishing books because they didn't think anything they wrote could live up to a previous book.

As far as people not commenting on a story beyond a certain point of it, I wouldn't read too much into that since I know I've done the same thing with different stories, but it's because RL gets busy and I just don't have the time to keep reading it, so I put it on my to read list.

Lastly, I'm sorry because I know I've been awful about not reading and commenting to your stories lately. I get so caught up in reading your stories that I know if I start reading them I won't be able to stop until I finish it, and I'm so limited on time right now that I keep putting them on my to read list. However, I'm determined to find time to read them and when I do I will definitely leave a comment.

*hugs*

Date: 2010-01-30 11:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Well, I know it's common, since I don't think there are any writers on my list that haven't seemed to go through these stages. It just never gets any easier. And just when I think I've got a grip on the process and feel really good about something, it seems like the response makes me think I've got it all completely wrong.

And I don't expect people to comment on every part of a story. Just, if they commented at the beginning, I would hope they'd comment at the end to let me know I didn't screw it up royally somewhere in between.

The ones who never comment at all are a scourge on all fic writers, but at least I never know if they hated it. LOL. If someone starts commenting and then stops, I can only assume they hated it.

Date: 2010-01-30 06:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] loolookitty.livejournal.com
This may not mean much, but I've noticed that longer works get fewer comments, unless they are posted in parts.

From my own experience I wonder if that is a time thing. I have your fic bookmarked and will read it, but time does not allowed me to sit down with something this lengthy right now. You are a fabulous writer and I know I'll enjoy it. :) I think this may be true for a lot of people, that a 1500 word story fits time management wise better, than something longer?

Date: 2010-01-31 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
You could be right, which is why I went to the trouble of posting it in parts instead of all at once. I know if I saw a fic that was 90.000 words, I'd probably not even start it.

Unfortunately, I did break it up, and I had every part tagged, so I know that a lot of people read all the way to the end, or at least, copied all the parts to somewhere else to read later.

And then, there's the whole matter of seeing a certain LJ'ers name pop up every day in My Guests and then seeing that person's post about how everything being posted these days if fluffy dreck by lazy people who can't write original fiction...

Um, yeah. I've made all the excuses for everyone else that I can think of, and it all comes down to not passing the buck and just accepting that I suck. :/

Date: 2010-02-01 07:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] loolookitty.livejournal.com
Wish I could do something to help you fell better hon! ::hugs::

Date: 2010-01-30 09:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] calamitycrow.livejournal.com
you know, this kitty is going to say you are very smart to recognize where you are as a writer. writers go through seasons, and right now, you need to figure out what you want to write and get back to listening to your inner voice. And yeah LJ and fandom in general definitely tend to drown that voice out.

(kitty smishes you)



Date: 2010-01-31 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Kitty is very wise in kitty's own right. *smoosh*
Edited Date: 2010-01-31 12:08 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-01-30 10:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] grlmonday.livejournal.com
I know the feeling. I've had that happen. You start off with 30 comments per chapter and fizzle down to five. Or zero. It really hurts.

I, however, love what you'd written. I love your style and honestly, luv, I wish I was 1/4 as good *hugs*

Date: 2010-01-31 12:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Aww, thank you, love. I figure, I can throw a hissy fit and just stop writing and stop posting, or I can keep doing what I'm doing and not let 'em have any power over me.

Of course, it still keeps me from reading fic, because as soon as I see a fic has a ton of comments on it, that ruins it for me. I know. I suck. Dunno how I can fix that.

Date: 2010-01-31 02:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gatorgrrrl.livejournal.com
Let me just say that I've totally been where you are, at least in terms of thinking writing is a competition even when it's not. I find myself getting discouraged sometimes when I struggle to write something, spend a lot of time finishing it, post it, and get very little feedback, whereas someone else writes something that, to me, seems like it only took ten minutes (again, this is a personal judgement and not based in fact) and receives 8 pages of comments the first day. It's a part of my personality that I'm not that proud of, but I can't seem to help myself. (This is also why I had to stop playing board games with my nephew, who was 7 at the time. Because kept beating me. I was 26. I should know better than to get mad.)

I wish I was as brave as you and could post fic with comments disabled, but the not knowing if at least one person liked it would probably drive me crazy. Of course, I haven't actually written much of anything in a while anyway, so the ol' inbox has been pretty bare. Ha.

Thanks for the post. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who has these issues.

P.S. - And if your current situation results in something akin to Something Gold, the world will be a better place. Well, my world at least, because that story is one of my favorites of all time. It's my "comfort fic."

Date: 2010-02-03 04:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Haha, I think I make one of these posts every other year or so. You'd think the whole thing would work itself out in the wash, but it never does.

I'd like to think there's another Something Gold in me, but I really, really hate writing angst. :/ Nothing like wallowing, ya know?

Date: 2010-02-01 02:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] roque-clasique.livejournal.com
EEEEK I am totally one of those people that comments on the first few chapters and then disappears. Usually what happens is I forget to put it on alert, and so if I don't get emailed when a new chapter is posted, I forget what I was reading and never find my way back. It's inexcusable, though, seriously, as I've been on the other side of it, like WHERE DID THEY GO WHAT DID I DO???

I would love to say I'm above caring, but I too get upset when people don't comment on something I've worked really hard on. It's not just fic, it's ME goddammit. I've even entertained the thought of writing wincest because it gets so much more love than gen -- how sick is that? I haven't, though, and don't plan to, but -- the urge is there, y'know? *shakes head.* I worry sometimes that fandom is just another place for me to be judged, like in the rest of life.

Date: 2010-02-03 04:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
It is SO personal, isn't it? Especially when it's your friends, and you see them in so many other places commenting, and you can't help but think it has to be a personal sleight. Ugh. Sometimes I want to just defriend my whole f-list just so I'll feel like I'm the one ignoring everyone instead of feeling like people just don't like me. LOL. God, how pathetic is that? But seriously, if I could go back to the beginning, I'd never post anything personal in my journal and never friend anyone back. It's just easier that way. :(

Date: 2010-02-01 08:43 am (UTC)
fufaraw: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fufaraw
Eljay et my comment.

I know you know I think you're a fabulous writer, so I'm not gonna tell you again how much I treasure several of the things you've posted, and especially deeply the one we "met" over. Not gonna bring that up because you know how much I love what you write.

I'm just going to hope your run got some air in your bloodstream and cleared out some of those black dog thoughts. And also, we hates the refresh button. It should be banned from keyboards, the terrible tempter!

Date: 2010-02-03 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Eljay sucks, don't it? Either eats the comments or doesn't send them where they're supposed to go.

Black dog thoughts still lingering, but that should be good for you, as I know you prefer the angst over the stuff I prefer to write, LOL, so there should be some festering fic out of this somewhere. :P

Date: 2010-02-02 06:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ewanspotter.livejournal.com
Have you ever thought about getting a sockpuppet account and posting? It seems like it would be really hard to balance your personal/fandom life in a journal, or worrying about people commenting just because they're your friends and feel obligated, etc.

Date: 2010-02-03 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
I have. And I actually have one or two. Of course, I never seem to be able to keep them completely secret, because I get all excited when suddenly people who would never give me the time of day are reading and reccing my stuff.

But yeah. I sometimes wish I had just posted fic and nothing else, and never discovered what a friends list was for. Either you think people only comment because they're your friends, or you're twice as hurt when they don't comment because they're your friends, or worse, you know they read and commented, but they seem to rec everything else that was written but not yours. :/

I seriously need to stop obssessing over the stupid of it all. Perhaps there are drugs for the voices in my head, but I don't even drink so I haven't discovered them yet. :S

Date: 2010-02-03 07:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ewanspotter.livejournal.com
Honestly, I'd just start fresh. If you don't get a ton of comments, you don't get a ton of comments, but at least the ones you do get are genuine.

Date: 2010-02-10 01:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nantahala.livejournal.com
Hey T, I've been reading this and reading it and I get it. I don't know if it's because I had a writing life before fandom that was very different or because I am just tired of worrying about it but I've decided free fic is a good thing. I am turning off comments and I already have PM disabled. I'll take an email if someone is inclined, but yeah, I am tired of my self and so I am doing this for myself. It's an interesting space to be in but I am already so much more at peace.

Date: 2010-02-10 01:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tru-faith-lost.livejournal.com
Hee! We can be team "No Comment." I know exactly what you mean. I might be taking my sweet time with that next chapter, but when I post it, it's on my time and the way I want it. *hugs you* We can be laidbackkitty. LOL. *points to icon*

Date: 2010-02-10 04:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nantahala.livejournal.com
Laidbackkitty needs to come teach my cats a few things. Hee.

I have a friend who had her second book come out last month and she did the interview circuit and what not, and then she did (and is still doing) a complete media freeze because she scoured the world for reviews, etc. last time and spend the better part of the year fixated on three bad reviews. Just for some peace of mind, she's not doing that this time around. The joy is holding her book in her hands, my joy is posting something finished. I want to be in the joy for a while.

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